I’ve just freaked myself out by looking myself up on Friends Reunited and getting back four pages worth of Susan Turnbulls. It’s really weird that they all have my name. I don’t like it. Make it stop.

*THIS* rocks. Although I may be the only person to think so.

I have been doing the quizzes on the BBC comedy website and got 100% for 1970s – 2000s but only scored 90% for the 1960s. Still, not bad going seeings I wasn’t even a twinkle in the milkman’s eye back then. Turns out I know quite a lot about comedy – who knew?!

I am shattered today. Last night was absolutely fantastic. If you don’t have any aqualung CDs or haven’t seen them live then make sure you do. I think it was the most beautiful hour of music my ears have ever listened to. Because it was just Matt and Ben Hales rather than the whole band and because it was in a beautiful old church, it wasn’t really a sing along gig, but then I spose Aqualung gigs never really are. There was a woman on stage singing backing vocals to “Another Little Hole” and I remembered that the album sleeve names her as Kim Oliver, who co-writes many songs with Matt. At the end of the song he said that Kim was his wife and that it was the first time they had sung live on stage together. Then she walked off and he dedicated the next song to her “Seven Keys”, one of my favourites. The whole night was really moving and really very beautiful. We wandered back stage with our passes to discover about fifteen people standing in what seemed to be a large dressing room. We stood and just gazed at the beautiful Matt Hales and his beautiful wife Kim and then decided it wasn’t even close to being rock ‘n’ roll enough for us to stick around. I was feeling somewhat delicate from not eating all day and then drinking wine with Pizza Express so was glad to get going. We got back around 1am and went to bed. I found it quite hard to get to sleep. There seem to be only two of my friends that I can totally relax with enough to sleep comfortably in the same bed – Sharon and Little Dan. So I had quite broken sleep but I’m feeling alright-ish now.

The Xfm breakfast party was a mild disappointment. I was very tired and I’m never overly comfortable being in incredibly posh hotels. Got there and my name was checked off on the list and then I got into a lift to the *28th* floor. They tricked me. I was in the lift and at the top of the building before I had a chance to realise just how high up it was. The show was good but it was full of industry idiots and not many fellow listeners who actually wanted to hear what was going on. There were gimps going round handing out champagne and posh bacon and egg sarnies but I passed on them due to the fact that it was 7.30 IN THE MORNING. Even I’m not a big enough wino to start drinking that early. You have to give it at least until about 8am. James Nesbitt and Roland Rivron were there but I was far more impressed to see Mark Wooton, Liam Woodman, Brendan Burns and Sean Lock. It was all very good and I only went cos we were invited, otherwise I’d have been perfectly happy to listen to it on the radio. So that is a lesson learnt for next time. Had a MacDonalds Sausage and Egg McMuffin (and took out the egg) which is going to take me about a week to burn off but it was worth it to kill some time before getting to work just before 11.30am. And now it is 1pm and there are 4 more hours to go. Eurgh.

So far my weekend is shaping up nicely.
Saturday morning – call out the RAC to fix my car
Saturday afternoon – go for lunch with Sally in Clapham if my car is sorted
Saturday night – dinner with Caireen for her 30th
Sunday all day – sleeeeeeep
Sunday evening – regret not going to the Sunday club.

And I think I might go and see the niCe mUms if I can blag in cos I am slightly skint but want to laugh at them cos they is funny and it is at the Etcetera Theatre which is now the best run comedy venue in the town of London. I must remember to buy Time Out so I can see what’s on. Suzanne said she wanted to come and see more comedy so that’s good. She also wants me to go out with her bloke and his friends, who apparently quote the Office, LoG and Alan Partridge, so I can put them to shame. She doesn’t understand them but she is quite proud to think I will.

I am starving. I should have know not having lunch would be a bad idea. Oh well, that?s a lesson learnt. Suzanne said she?d bring me one of the Easter Gingerbread men she has been working on for Tescos along for me. Suzanne is a buying manager, which is a proper job and is very impressive. Along with Kat who is a British Airways pilot, she is one of the only friends of mine with a proper job or as I like to call it, career. She used to work for Sainsburys and got loads of freebies from suppliers and people trying to bribe her into buying their products for the stores. She?s been to countless sporting matches in the hospitality are and has been all over the place, such as Seville and New York, looking at local produce. But she has worked very hard for it and deserves to be in the position she?s in. One day I?ll have a career, just you wait and see.

I think my lovely friend David, or Daveycakes as I like to call him, is coming with me to the XFM party tomorrow morning. That is very exciting indeed as David is in PR and has no problems talking to anyone so I will send him off to persuade Jack Dee and Sean Lock to play UCL and I will also set him other fun challenges. One more hour to go until I can set off to meet Suzanne and get some food down my neck at the first opportunity, I am beginning to feel like Dougal in Father Ted in the one where he forgets to eat breakfast and they go to the mainland ? ?I?m going mad with the hunger?. I am still not hungry enough to stick my head amongst spiders, rats or cockroaches though.

The boys are telling bad jokes and I am having to concentrate really hard to stop myself from laughing like a freak. So far the punchlines have been:

I left my harp in Sam Plank’s disco
If he’s that far up already love there’s nothing I can do
I liked some icing off the sofa

The first one two were quite funny but I’d heard the third one and really didn’t want to hear it again. It’s the kind of joke that little teenage boys tell each other at the back of the coach on a school trip. To finish off Adam told the wide-mouthed frog joke whilst pulling his cheeks apart to actually become the afore-mentioned frog.

This is the average standard of the boys’ jokes.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the
other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching
for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is
forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the
people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane
will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot
turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're
gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Actually, thinking about it, that’s a lot funnier than most of the others.

Got my tea. All I had in my purse was 75p, which was lucky. Cos that’s how much a cup of tea costs. I don’t think I’m going to bother with lunch seeings I had breakfast for the first time in months and I am out of here in four hours to meet Suz before grabbing some food. So at least I’ll be hungry by then. I am sure you were dying to know that.

I can’t get the new Britney Spears song out of my head but that’s ok cos I’m not afraid to admit that I absolutely love it.

I watched “I’m A Celebrity…” last night for the first time this series and was thrilled to hear that Peter Andre had to do the Bushtucker challenge. But I must say he was absolutely amazing. Good on him. I wouldn’t have put my head amongst any of those things no matter how starving I was and who was relying on me. He really was very brave but I still think he is a bit of a twat. And I’ve been meaning to share my thoughts on Jordan. Despite her occupation, which I haven’t really been following particularly closely, I actually have a lot of respect for her. I’ve seen the three documentaries on BBC3, which documents the year before she got pregnant through to when her son was about 18 months. She comes across as a really nice person and is nowhere even close to being the slag that most people seem to presume she is. Once Harvey was born she was very strong through his sight and growth problems and her own problems when she found out she had a very rare form of cancer in her finger and she handled herself well when Dwight York was slagging her off in the press and demanding a DNA test to prove he was the father. She also has a sound business mind and realises that she’s not going to be able to stay in the same line of work forever. So although I don’t agree with her occupation I actually think she’s a very decent person. But the documentaries were more about her as Katie Price than her as Jordan. I think people find it hard to separate the two and it is very easy to judge people just on what you read in the tabloids.

"Greg Dyke resigns as BBC director general after Hutton report."
Blimey.

Its 12:30pm already and I feel like I’ve been up for a week. Admittedly I didn’t get up until 7.45am and would have been half an hour late anyway, but I only managed to get in at noon. After slipping and sliding my way down to West Wickham station there was a crowd of people standing around a train man asking what was going on. Apparently no trains were coming down from London and therefore none could go back. Therefore it would be at least an hour until there was a train to London. So I called into work and walked up to the bus stop to see if I could get a bus to East Croydon. I managed to get there just as the 194 turned up and jumped on it, pleased to get the opportunity to use my Oyster card – thereby assuring that Tony Blairs would be able to track my movements – but it took about half an hour to turn onto the High Street and by the time we got to the top of my road I’d decided there was no way I could sit on the bus for hours on end while it crawled along to East Croydon. So I got off at the top of my road and walked home and had some tea and toast. I then made the mistake of calling Sharon for a chat whilst listening to my new Britney Spears and Kylie albums and finally left the house at about 10:45am. When I got to the station they were still randomly cancelling trains without warning so I ended up getting on the first train to arrive half an hour later which happily went to London Bridge and then got the Jubilee Line back down to Canary Wharf. When I finally got to Heron Quays and made my way towards work I was told I had to go through the shopping centre cos there was ice falling from the tops of the buildings where I was headed towards.

Thankfully I realised that I am having a late night tonight and a very early morning tomorrow so have decided to stay at Suzanne’s in Tufnell Park after Aqualung tonight. Just as well cos I’m not going through all of that again. I’m going to get a cup of tea to now to warm me up.

I spoke to the lovely man at UCL and he said that he was told that I did a very good job last Wednesday at the Ministry of Comedy so I am feeling very pleased with myself. He also said that the bar tab was only £20 – a third of what it normally is. That’s a challenge if ever I heard one. He also set me the challenge of trying to find some big name comedians for the weeks in between the gigs that we already have scheduled so that’s going to be a lot of fun. Sean Lock and Jack Dee will be at the Breakfast show party on Friday and if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Although in their case I suspect it will be more like if you do ask, you don’t get but it’s worth a try. Maybe Ross Noble will be there and I can twist his arm to do it again cos he went down a treat last time. Or maybe I could talk Christian O’Connell into going back into stand up now he’s a big player in radio breakfast. Speaking of which, the new Rajar ratings come out tomorrow and we get to find out whether Xfm has made it into the London top 10. I hope so. I can’t believe it’s three years old already.

They are discussing seating arrangements for when the permanent person comes next week and we overlap for a fortnight. I pray to god they don’t move me. If they do I will be even more bored than usual cos I won’t have the boys to entertain me and more people will be able to see my monitor and therefore see me on the internet. If they do move me then I’m not going to turn any jobs down from the agency and will just leave as soon as I can. So let’s wait and see. At least I’m not the one who has to train her – that’s the worst thing about leaving a job, having to show the next person how to do what you’ve been doing. Especially when no-one really showed you properly in the first place. So that’s one less thing to worry about.

Right – just found out I am moving. On Tuesday, the bastards. I am tempted to quit but that would be very stupid and petty. The boys were very upset to find out I’d be moving. It is a bit rubbish seeing the new person will be training but oh well. That’s just more motivation to actually find something new. In actual fact I’m sure I’m not really going to give a stuff.

“I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it..” BLOODYHELL!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! Christian O’Connell has invited me and Sharon to the XFM Breakfast Show 3rd birthday celebrations at the Hilton on Park Lane – how brilliant is that?! There are going to be lots of celebs there including Jack Dee, James Nesbitt and presumably the old regulars including Nick Frost and Simon Pegg. It’s a much sought after invitation and it came directly from the man himself – his precise wording was… “Please come along… love to see you both there. Christian”. Get in!! It’s just a shame Sharon won’t be able to make it over just in case we win a Golden Monkey Award. That would be too much excitement in one morning. And I guess I’m going to have to come into work in the afternoon… best set about booking the morning off. WOohoooO!

The man, or rather boy, at the agency last night was quite nice – compared to what I was expecting. He only verged on patronising but I think he realised he didn’t need to be, given that I am a seasoned temp. I had to hunt down my A-levels and GCSE certificates last night so I can fax them across to him and another agency or some banks won’t even look at me – which is just pedantic. They all have a copy of my degree but for some reason they need to confirm I wasn’t an international terrorist in my teenage years before fraudulently getting a place at university to learn how to make bombs. It was quite funny sorting through all the certificates my mum has kept in a big dusty folder in the loft. There’s my self defence certificate that I got at school when some fat man came to see us after our exams and taught us how to slash attackers’ faces with a credit card – if we happened to have one to hand, and also how to dig our heels into attackers’ shins should they come up behind us. I don’t remember much else except poking people in the eyes, which I would never be able to bring myself to do. She’s kept all my swimming certificates from the 80s and all my B.A.G.A. gymnastics and trampolining awards from back in the days when I was very fit and could do back flips and the like. I wonder what where it all went wrong? I remember one summer my friend Helen and I went swimming more or less every day for all six weeks of the summer holidays and by the end of it our hair was nearly snapping off cos of the chlorine and we had to put loads of waxy stuff in our hair. I used to play tennis for NW Kent and for the school too. And now I’m hard pushed to rustle up the energy to get on my mini-stepper in my bedroom. Well, its all going to change from here. All it takes is for me to actually remember to do some exercise, it just never crosses my mind. Its more natural to put the radio on when I’m bored than think of doing some exercise. I also unearthed my Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award which made me laugh. As far as I can remember it consisted of four parts and as my memory serves me I went on a course to learn about the Police (service), made jewellery and little models from Fimo (charity), played tennis for Bromley (sport) and went on a two day, fifteen mile expedition which saw us getting lost and missing check points on a very regular basis. And apparently all of this was voluntary. At university, the only society I planned on joining was the cocsoc – or cocktail society to give it its full title. That may explain a lot.

Again the same agency as before contacted me about another totally random job that I have no relevant experience for or interest in doing. He must be the worst recruitment consultant I have ever spoken to. He seemed very nice but was just waffling down the phone trying to explain the role and having very little success until he decided to email it to me. He wanted a response within an hour but he got one within five minutes. I told the man last night that I’d like to stay around Docklands if possible and said he’d send my CV to State Street and somewhere else and then I panicked cos a friend of a friend works at State Street and I could really do without that. And I think they’re based in 1 Canada Square (Canary Wharf to you non-banking idiots) and there’s no way I am working there unless its on the lowest 5 levels. I hate heights and worse still I hate going up in high speed lifts which feel like they are going to shoot out of the roof like the one at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. It was horrible being back in the city last night. It reminded me how lucky I am to work where I do where people don’t swarm the streets and walk at a million miles an hour without caring who they bump into on their way. Its too traumatic, especially in the morning when I try not to wake up properly in order to ease the pain of being out of bed.

I am feeling a bit queasy. I thought eating lunch would help but it made me feel a bit worse. Should have brought in those miracle tablets that Sharon told me about. I think its tiredness but I will soon acclimatise to it once I get back into the swing of this going out all the time malarkey. And I am still waiting for something worth recording to play on BBC7 so I can dazzle myself with my technical prowess and get started on my mini-disc collection. Maybe I’ll transfer my comedy CDs onto mini-disc, just to get some in some pirate-copying practise.

I don’t know how I used to drag myself to the Hen & Chickens every Monday night for about two years back in the day. Two nights out in a row and I am pooped. It is great to get back to my old routine of going out loads, being tired all the time and eating dinner at around midnight. It was also nice to see Kathryn who confirmed my theory about hangovers worsening with age so that’s good. She is still going out with her gay boyfriend Owen so as I have said for many years, now Kathryn has a boyfriend it’s officially time for the rest of us single girls to start worrying. Except that I’m not really all that arsed. I am sure I could get my own gay boyfriend if I really wanted one but I don’t so I shan’t be forced into it just because of something I have been saying for almost 9 years. After a short burst of trying to be persuaded to go out with someone last year I am happy to say I am glad and relieved to be back to my natural state of single, although obviously if Damon asked it would be rude of me to refuse.

Going to another patronising agency tonight to pretend I want to work banks forever (which let’s face it, looks pretty likely at the moment) so that’ll be immense fun and then I am supposedly meeting David for *one* drink, and one drink only and even then that drink will most definitely be fruit based and non-alcoholic. Then I am off home to make inroads into getting my car fixed which I could really do without both cost and time wise. Tonight I’m also going to think about using my stepper but will then ultimately decide just to have a lay down instead.

When I woke up this morning I was very disappointed to see that there was a severe lack of snow. They promised us snow… where the hell is it? Not in London, that’s for sure. There was plenty of grit on the platform at the station but no ice for it to melt which meant it was just quite slippery underfoot making it easy to fall over. So now they are saying its going to be tomorrow. And I imagine tomorrow they will say its going to be on Thursday and then they’ll hope we all just forget that they promised us snow and got it wrong again. Knowing my luck it probably will fall on Thursday when I go and see Aqualung in a cold damp church in London so when we come out of the aftershow party and I inevitably have to get a night bus, I will be double cold. It will be the second time I have been in a church in about three weeks which is definitely a record. And both instances are extremes of one another – a funeral and a gig. At least this time I won’t have to try and think of songs from Live at the Lounge to stop myself from crying and there will be cheering instead of mourning.

James from Michael Page called me last night about a job at the Royal Bank of Scotland, where I worked November 2000 – July 2002. It was for more or less the same job that I started off doing there last time, which had me calling James on a nightly basis trying not to get upset down the phone due to having absolutely no idea what I was doing and being totally bored out of my tiny mind. He clearly forgot all that. Having said that, it’s a job I am far better equipped to deal with now but I am not entirely sure they’d have me back, albeit as a temp. Given that they gave me 5 weeks off for Fringe 2001 and then I quit just before Fringe 2002 cos they wouldn’t give me the month off again. I was permanent by that stage although I think they were being completely unreasonable not allowing me the whole of the busiest holiday period off. So we’ll see if anything comes of that. My money is on possibly not.

Many congratulations to Ricky and Steve for their incredible double whammy at the Golden Globe awards. I can’t imagine how strange the last few years must have been for them, in a good way of course, to have their lives turned completely upside sown since The Office was first broadcast.

I have to renew my Oyster card for the next week so that the government will know where I am and then set off to Angel to meet the elusive Kathryn. Then onwards to trendy Camden to see Michelle and Zena’s performing sketch boys, which should be very good indeed. And don’t go forgetting that it’s the Sunday club (Club Seals and The Consultants) at the Hen and Chickens this weekend, which is always brilliant, like what the Club Seals and The Consultants are. (Word is telling me that that last sentence is grammatically incorrect). So you see, along with the Soho Blast festival and the Etcetera Theatre (which is now expertly run), there is a great deal of excellent live comedy around at the moment.

This is what it says on my stupid patronising American Northern Trust calendar for today… “The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their field of endeavour”. I feel empowered. I have a definite commitment to boredom and I am excellent at it.

Look what I found...

I’ve got nowt to do again this afternoon so I’ve been trying to sort of Ministry of Comedy things and am booking open spots which is very exciting. I have no idea what any of them are like so it’s going to be a bit of a lottery and I’ll get to see how badly people lie about themselves on Mirth Control. It’s all very exciting.

Adam is having a heated debate with his girlfriend on the phone, which is keeping me entertained. He’s making no attempt to lower his voice and has just hung up on her for about the tenth time. Ah, mature adult relationships. Reminds me why I hate them so much. It certainly cured my crush on him, hearing him patronise her on a daily basis. He might be funny but that’s as far as it goes… I will count myself lucky that I am free and single.

So the next major task on my to-do list is going to have to be getting a new battery for my car but the more I think about it the more I optimistically hope its just something to do with the immobiliser cos the alarm has been going off by itself recently. I will suggest that to my moody father the next time I see him. That’d show him and it’d certainly save me a few quid. It’s not even like I left my lights on or anything, which used to be my old trick with the two metros. I have a Susan proof alarm, which goes off if I open the driver’s door without turning off the lights.

And I really need to get a new pair of work shoes cos its getting embarrassing wearing my flat brown lesbian-esque shoes with everything especially as they don’t really match, but there’s nothing I can do. Maybe I’ll go in search of shoes at the weekend although I have no patience for shopping for shoes or trousers cos they never fit and I get annoyed. And now I have just pointed out my shoe predicament to the world. Well, the fifteen people who read this. I’ve still not had my nice shoes back from the hotel in Warwick that Helena and I stayed in at the end of September. Must get back onto them. I miss my lovely shoes.

On a sadder note, apparently I’m not eligible to win Beck’s rabbit, Rocket, cos I don’t live in America. It’s just not fair. I want a rabbit. I’d promise to look after it. The puppy that Sharon got me from Amazon still hasn’t arrived. I am beginning to think she lied.

We are window shopping for bridesmaid dresses on 28 February 2004. A mere 18 months before the wedding. There’s nothing quite like being over-organised and presuming your bridemaids aren’t going to put on or lose any weight in the months between purchasing and actually wearing the dresses. At least I’ll get a chance to check out the other bridesmaids and see what they look like. I gather one or two of them don’t like their arms whereas in my case I’d rather have a strapless dress and a wrap, given that the wedding is going to be in August. It’ll also give me a chance to put my case across for black bridesmaid dresses. I think it’ll look very chic and if the others are worried about their backsides and chunky arms then it is the perfect solution. I am not really looking forward to not only having to wear a dress in public but also having to walk down the aisle in front of all of my family who will then no doubt come out with quotes like “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” despite the fact that I have never been a bridesmaid before. It really is going to be a living hell and I am thankful that my brother told me that he is definitely going to invite Sharon. Thank the lord.

Here is a picture of the dress which is top of the list at the moment. Yes, that’s right. It has a big flower on it and is in pastel colours. Eurgh.



It's the one in the
MIDDLE

Did pretty much arse all over the weekend again apart from seeing “Luke & Stella” at the Hen and Chickens last night, which was absolutely brilliant. It’s a bit of a tragi-comedy and it is very well written and brilliant performed by the Cambridge Footlight who never actually went to Cambridge. I nearly didn’t make it along. I spent the whole of Sunday just lazing around and then at 6.30pm I loaded up the car with comedy tapes for the journey, put the key in the ignition and got a sinking feeling in my stomach when nothing happened when I turned the key. I told my dad and he immediately went into the biggest strop I have ever witnessed, like it was my bloody fault that the car wouldn’t start. Then he had a go at me for presuming my car would start. Silly me… how stupid of me to presume my car would work when it has been running fine for so many years. I stormed back out of the house and wandered up to the bus stop to try to get to Croydon. I’d already missed the one hourly train from West Wickham so East Croydon was my only hope. As luck would have it the bus turned up about 2 minutes after I got there and the driver seemed to be in more of a hurry than I was so I managed to get to the station in 10 minutes. Jumped on a fast train to Victoria and then the tube and I still got to the Hen and Chickens with time to spare and beat Michelle and Zena. I was fairly stressed cos I was worried I’d be late, and I hate being late, so I got a white wine spritzer. Merely to calm me down, not because I’m an alcoholic. So I made it in the end and it turned out to be well worth my efforts so that’s good. And I even made the last train to West Wickham on the way home which was a miracle and saved me from the N119 which would have been very bad way to end a Sunday night. I met a handful of Footlights which was nice and made me feel slightly thick but hey, I have a maths degree and check out how well my career as a high flying banker is going *ahem*. It was nice to see Misses Flower and Barrie again though and this time almost entirely sober.

On Saturday I had another burst of motivation on seeing that PBJ and BabyCow both have the Boosh site listed as pretty much the official Boosh site so I set about trying to change it a bit and update everything. Really must meet up with Noel and Julian soon to interview them for both sites, especially to tie in with the TV series, which is currently being filmed and will hopefully need an audience some point soon. By some remarkable coincidence an episode of Boosh radio was on BBC7. I missed the opening credits and decided not to record it but was gutted when it turned out to be the one with the “hello little deer” song which really brought back memories of numerous Monday nights spent at the Hen and Chickens watching The Mighty Boosh. God that was a long time ago. And now they’re going to be on the telly. I think me and Sharon also broke the land phone record – we were on the phone from about 8.30pm til whenever the Boosh started which was at about 11.30pm. I found my Edinburgh diary from 2000 which I wrote religiously and we were reading through that and squirming with embarrassment at some of the things we got up to. It was very funny though and we are both comedy geniuses. We’re going to write personal diaries this year so we can read back over them in years to come. Except we’ll probably type them into word cos nobody writes anything with their hands anymore. That is so 1998 and its too much effort. I can’t believe we used to write things in the olden days – all those notes at school and university. I think humans will evolve to have really strong long fingers ideally designed for typing and weedy little arms cos everything will be done with computers. And pens will cease to exist. They will be the stuff of legends and we will show pictures of them to our grandchildren and they will stare in disbelief when we tell them we used our hands to write with.

I am really very tired today. Going out again tonight though to IAFS Live at the Etcetera – in my attempt to get my finger back on the pulse of character and sketch comedy where it belongs. I never seem to be able to strike a happy medium between going out and staying in. I think my social patterns change like the seasons. It has been very cold of late and I am skint which is why I haven’t really been out much. And I have been very tired but I think that is a vicious circle which comes about from lazing around and doing no exercise. I must start swimming again after work. You didn’t really need to know that.

I've been
watching your world from afar
I've been
trying to be where you are
I've been
secretly falling apart
unseen

to me
you're strange and you're beautiful
you'd be
so perfect with me but you just
can't see
you turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
you fall asleep
I'll put a spell on you
and when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
and you realise that you love me

sometimes
the last thing you want comes in first
sometimes
the first thing you want never comes
I know
waiting is all you can do
sometimes

I'll put a spell on you
you fall asleep
I'll put a spell on you
and when I wake you
I'll be the first thing you see
and you realise that you love me

I am bored of the penguin game now. And bored of sitting here not doing anything. I’m sure I must have something profound and deep and meaningful to say. It is great getting paid to blog though. Even though strictly speaking its not part of the job description and I’m not really supposed to be on the internet either. Bothered. I am pushing the boundaries. They call me the boundary pusher. Or the bored boundary pusher who is counting the seconds til home time, to be more precise.

I?ve actually got a bit of a bump on my arm. I don?t remember noticing it yesterday though ? although all of me was aching so it just blended in with the rest of my body. I am hoping I didn?t fall over or bump into something or anything equally as embarrassing. I have emailed Caireen who was the last one of my girlie friends to see me on my birthday. Just to see the extent of the damage and whether she remembers me falling off a stool or anything equally likely to result in bruising. Notice the frequency in which the word ?embarrassing? has been used to describe my birthday. Well I had fun anyway. I should probably shut up about it now and put it down to experience before I embarrass myself further.

So let?s change the subject. I am going to spend my weekend finishing watching Adam and Joe series 4 which is one of the best TV shows that has ever existed. I am also going to make every effort to try and watch some of my ever-growing DVD collection or at least narrow down my search for a new TV so I can link up my DVD player once and for all. Then I need to commence the search for a laptop and new PC, and a job that pays ?40k a year in order to pay for it all.

Adam has just decided that our team is like Fagin?s gang in Oliver with me being Nancy which I shall take as a compliment although I am hoping that none of them will batter me to death. There are laws against that kind of thing. They are all still trying to outdo each other in the penguin battering game. I have bettered my previous score with a massive 323.5m ? which is apparently joint top score with Steve. It has also come to light that the whole office and no doubt the whole of the City is playing Hit The Penguin.

Three hours to go and I have arse all to do. I had a quick wander round Jubilee Place at lunch and was disheartened to see that shops are already bleating on about bloody Valentines day. And it’s at the weekend this year so we’ll have to be careful where we go. Don’t want to be faced with couples everywhere we turn. I have only ever been out once on Valentines day. Back in 2000 I managed to be seeing someone over Xmas, my birthday and Valentines day – the treble. As far as I can remember the evening was alright and I think he cooked for me and then we watched Austin Powers on video. It wasn’t the pinnacle of romance and it probably wasn’t any better than if I had just stayed at home. I’m the last of the big romantics. Other than that Valentines Day is usually very cheap for me, unless I decide to send a card to a lucky recipient. In the 1st year of uni I got six cards which is an unbeaten record and will probably remain so. I blame this on the fact that no-one has my address. I am sure otherwise I’d find it hard to move through my hallway through sheer volume of cards. There was one Valentines day in the 3rd year of uni when Kathryn was quite depressed about not having got any cards so she got the previous year’s one out and we stuffed ourselves with alphabites, mini-kievs asparagus and smoked salmon mousse whilst watching Simeon and Hairy Jeremy on CBBC. I wasn’t depressed, it was just a good excuse to stuff our faces with something other than baked beans on toast. Its a big commercial waste of time designed to exploit stupid couples who don’t do enough romantic things for each other during the year. But having said that, if anyone would like to take me somewhere on Valentines Day then feel free to email in and I will think it over.

I am bored. You can see from the sheer quantity of blogging today that I have literally nothing to do. Which is probably just as well given that I can’t even bear to put my glasses on. It is giving me plenty of time to have paranoid flashbacks from my birthday though. My room has gone from near perfection to absolute mayhem in the short space of 24 hours. And it’s not even organised chaos as it used to be. In my sheer desperation to climb into bed I threw everything off it and managed to tread on a CD. Luckily it was only Travis and thinking about it I’ve left my Kula Shaker CD at UCL. Buggeration.

There seems to be a new girl at the agency who is putting me forward for really bizarre roles. The latest one is as a financial controller responsible for producing team budgets and nonsense like that, which I have never done or want to do in my life. She’s sending through the job spec now so I’ll skim through that and let her down gently. I have read it and told her not to put me forward for it. I think there are more jobs than temps at the moment which on one hand is good but on the other I wouldn’t have minded a week of in between jobs to sleep and watch Phil and Fern.

Sharon is still not answering either of her phones. How very annoying but I can sympathise with how she is probably feeling as it wasn’t all that long ago since I was nursing a corker of a hangover. But it was my birthday so I was allowed. I think Sharon is having her massive injection in her back next week which is nice so she went out while she still can. She’ll have to be supervised soon after her injection, poor thing.

Last night the lovely Rob gave me what I think is the best birthday present I got. It’s the new book – Sunshine On Putty – by Ben Thompson and it even has a tiny mention about the Boosh. Bless him, its such a thoughtful and spot on present to get me. I shall make heavy inroads into that over the weekend while I contemplate my actions on Wednesday and vow never to be such an old wino again. For a few weeks anyway.

Me and the boys are busy at work keeping ourselves entertained by playing this game
THE PENGUIN HITTING GAME The desk record is 325m and there is a knack to it. You have to hit him low so he bounces along the snow, you don’t want to hit him too high or he’ll just come back down to earth and get himself wedged in the snow. There is a real air of competitiveness around at the moment and people are threatening to stay late if their records are beaten. Boys will be boys. My high score so far is 319m.

Sharon has finally come to and called me. It turns out that apparently Ricky Gervais does and impression of the two of us and does it every time Johnny mentions us in conversation. That is both totally embarrassing and obviously also very cool indeed. Ricky said that we must have been quite starstruck when we met him and Steve, which we were, but I won’t tell you what his impression is until I see Johnny do it. Dear oh dear. I am going to cringe and possibly run away the next time I bump into Ricky. He also said that Ricky thinks we’re really nice. Which is good. I am thinking it’s just as well Stewart Lee didn’t get hold of us in time to play ourselves in Johnny Vegas’ DVD. If we were starstruck with Ricky and Steve then I don’t even want to think what Adam and Joe must have made of us.

So where do I start?! Got home after work on my birthday and had smoked salmon sandwiches and then tried to have a nap but I was too nervous and excited about the evening to come so I got up and started to get ready. My parents both got home and so I opened my presents. I think by now we all know what I got and that it wasn’t a surprise. The presents that I didn’t know about were a pack of two blue photo frames, identical to the four I already have, and a belt that I did know my mum got me but just forgot about it. So I did quite well in the end. My dictaphone is well smart. It’s a silver and shiny and lovely. We had dinner – more salmon, this time poached – with mange tout and new potatoes. My mum had interestingly laid out some Xmas crackers on the table… strange woman. They got me a cake too, there wasn’t enough room for the twenty-odd candles so they didn’t bother putting any on at all. But as we all know I don’t like cake anyway. I am sure it was the same cake as last year. Not literally the same cake, that would be disgusting and very mean, I mean it was the same design. Dad gave me a lift to the station and sitting on the platform I realised that I forgot to charge my phone and that it was about to die at any moment. It was then that the world and his dog decided to call me. First my mum, then my uncle, my brother, my friend Alex and various agencies. Went to Sainsburys to buy pringles and marshmallows for the starving, skint students and got to UCL for about 6.45pm. Had words with the man who runs the place about invoices and then Alex turned up. He called me to see if I’d already got there cos he left his intro music and told me he’d be there in a few minutes. Then he tried to do my head in by calling seconds later to have exactly the same conversation. After I sussed him out he asked if I had pringles and of course I had cos I am super organised. Well done me. Got everything set up by about 7.15pm so we sat around for a bit and Alex played around with my phone which finally made it run out of juice and so I started to panic. It turned out to be the busiest night I have ever seen at UCL – there aren’t normally people standing up but it was absolutely crammed and we had to turn people away at the door. Luckily all my friends who turned up who were on the guestlist got in but it was unbelievable. I think it would have been better for me if it’d not been so busy but it was a fantastic night. Alex started the gig by asking everyone what had made them all come cos its never normally so busy and Sophie shouted out “Sue”, which was very kind of her. Not. So Alex explained the situation with H going off to Thailand and the he got everyone to sing happy birthday to me. The night just got more and more surreal but it was definitely the best b’day I’ve had this side of 21. We all wandered down to Point 101 in dribs and drabs and when we got there there were various groups of friends sitting in different parts of the bar which made it fairly awkward but I ended up just sitting and chatting at the bar. It’s all a bit of a blur after that. I remember getting a bus, going back to a friend’s flat, playing table football and then waking up and going back to sleep again. When I woke up I felt like death, as I expected but this time I had to try and make my way home. This involved a bus and a train and about half an hour of sitting down in a heap feeling sorry for myself. I nearly fainted on the train from lack of sleep, too much alcohol and the bus’s overuse of its heaters. Managed to stumble off the bus outside Charing X and got on the train feeling the worst I can remember feeling in a long time. I can’t tell you just how much of a relief it was to get home and get into bed. I couldn’t sleep for a while due to my pounding headache but it was just lovely to be horizontal, my favourite position to be in. I woke up around 6pm and wandered downstairs to explain why I didn’t come home or indeed phone to say I was safe. It was my birthday, what did they expect? Spent the rest of the night watching soaps and feeling sorry for myself until Sharon rang and I recounted what I remember of the night to her. I watched Horizon, which was about the Atkins diet and was very interesting indeed, then fell asleep.

I’m not really feeling too hot today either. Age is definitely affecting my body’s ability to cope with hangovers. Not that I am *that* old. They’ve been getting worse every time but that may be because wine is my new drink of choice – I’ll try a lager hangover next time. Not that there will be a next time. It’s nice not to feel like death warmed up though. I seem to have a lovely bruise on my arm although I have no idea where it came from. It doesn’t look like much but it really bloody hurts. While it is still there it will serve as a reminder of how great my birthday was.

I got my Perfect Fool book today as a result of playing Stewart Lee’s envelope collecting game. In my state of still not feeling too hot there was a moment of confusion when a package with my name and address written in my own handwriting came through the letter box. Stew had lovingly signed it to me and sarcastically written #28 underneath the title of the book thereby suggesting it was my 28th copy. He is wrong. It is my 3rd copy but me and Sharon did buy about 10 copies between us when it came out and made Stew sign them for our friends so he’s not too far off the mark. Stewart Lee is a truly great man. I also woke up to numerous text messages, mostly from Sharon reminding me to remind her to tell me things such as a coversation Johnny had with Ricky Gervais which was about us. She told me to call her mobile when I got to work but rather unsurprisingly it’s switched off so I am still in suspense. I am beginning to feel very hungry but also slightly queasy. I might buy some resolve at lunch if I can face the bright lights of Boots. I am very much looking forward to going home this evening and watching Dan Clark being famous on the telly and then finally sleeping this off once and for all. Might be meeting Sophie in town tomorrow night but I daresay I won’t be bothered to leave the house. Sunday I am hoping Suzanne will come to the Hen and Chickens with me to see Tim Key’s new solo show “Luke and Stella” which is bound to be brilliant. So it’s panning out to be quite a fun packed and alcohol free weekend. Incidentally I am never drinking alcohol ever again. At least I had the sense to book the next day off work. I think it would be safe for me to do that every time we do the Ministry. Just to be on the safe side.

I will post up flash backs to my birthday as and when they happen.

I got some birthday cards in the post today which is obviously exciting and when I opened the card from my uncle I got the added surprise of lots of glittery stars falling out of the envelope and landing on my bed and all over the floor. They’ll need hoovering up this afternoon. Since my massive sort out and tidy at the weekend, whenever I get home and go and dump my stuff in my room I am always really surprised at not having to step over any clothes and how lovely and tidy it is. And now there are small shiny stars all over the floor.

Hour and a half to go and then I’m outta here. Hooray. The boys were very pleased with the selection of wares I bought for them: cookies, jaffa bites and chocolate covered cornflake bites. They are very easily pleased. I’m still trying to eat my cookie. I don’t like chocolate at the best of times, never mind first thing in the morning. I think I’ll have smoked salmon sarnies for lunch. Mmmmm. Then we’re having poached salmon for dinny din dins and then I am going to drink bucketloads of wine.

Eurgh. I feel sick. We’ve opened the mini jaffa bites and cornflake bits and I’ve had one of each and I feel quite unwell. Chocolate overdose.

I’m gonna party like it’s my birthday… I’m gonna drink wine like it’s my birthday… Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear meeeee, happy birthday to me… For I’m a jolly good fellow, for I’m a jolly good fellow, for I’m a jolly good feeeeellooooow. And so says all of me. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…cry if I want to… congratulations and celebrations…

The more astute among you will have noted that it’s my twenty*ahem*third*ish* birthday today… Went out for a meal last night with my parents and my brother and Sam and the waiter was very strange and kept overcomplimenting us and telling us we were a beautiful family. Sam and Rob stupidly gave me my present at the table which was like a beacon to the waiter who was straight over calling me the birthday girl and asking me my name which I stupidly told him. About five minutes later he got everyone’s attention, pointed out there was a birthday girl in the vicinity, told everyone my name and put something in the wine glass in front of me, which he then lit and it proceeded to explode. The restaurant sang happy birthday to me while I tried to avoid being sparkled on by the indoor firework which was lighting me up far too well. It was all painfully embarrassing.

This morning I was planning to get up early and make myself smoked salmon and scrambled egg for breakfast but I didn’t sleep very well again due to worrying about tonight, whether I got the job at BoA, whether I have to hand in my notice and a variety of other things! Woke up and immediately opened the Amazon package from Sharon which I patiently placed by my bed unopened when it arrived last Friday. And what a lot of goodies she kindly got me. Phoenix Nights DVD box set, Cruise of the Gods DVD, Pixies B-sides CD, Book of Bunny Suicides (which I read from cover to cover this morning) and a really really brilliant diary. I love them all and she shouldn’t have spent so much on me but I knew I can count on Shazzle to get me stuff I actually really want and other brilliant stuff cos she is very brilliant.

The interview last night was good an bad. Managed to get there at about 5.45pm after spending £16 in the slowest cab in the world from Lewisham and the only cab driver who doesn’t know how to get to Bromley. They were both really nice people and I wasn’t too nervous. She asked me a few technical questions which I more or less cocked up saying I was quite rusty cos it had been a while but I have had relevant experience and I pick things up very easily, being that I have a mathematics degree and am very clever indeed. I was in there for about half an hour and after the first 10 minutes where it went a bit pear-shaped it was more informal and the man actually wished me a happy birthday for tomorrow (today). Apparently my CV is quite impressive cos I have worked for some very good banks and we chatted about my degree and temping and how I live literally round the corner. I didn’t get it cos they need someone who can come in with no training and start immediately but I don’t think they are going to find someone before the lady goes on maternity leave so they’re probably better off getting someone who knows something who can be trained in a few days rather than no-one at all but obviously that’s their decision. Apparently I am an excellent candidate and they’ll consider me for anything in the future. Its quite a relief actually. Perfect though it would have been, it would have been very awkward to hand in my notice here today.

So now I am just waiting a few more hours before I can go home and have a doze then wake up, get ready, open my presents (dictaphone, ceramic straighteners, no7 black bag and make up – and apparently something I don’t know about… I’m putting money on a cuddly toy) and have an early dinner before going into town and partying and drinking lots of wine with my friends and seeing Dara and JJ Whitehead. Splendid. Let’s just hope everything goes to plan although I am prepared for something to go very wrong as is tradition on my birthday.

I’ve managed to confirm everyone except one of the open spots who might get back to me but I’m sure it’ll all be fine. So that’s a few less things to worry about although I’ve already made myself very anxious as a result, especially with this interview tonight now I know I actually have a chance of getting it.

Helena emailed me today – I’ve had a word with her already to point out that she is on holiday – but I am very glad she did cos she won after show passes for the Aqualung gig I am going to with Suzanne on 29th at St. James’s Chuch in Picadilly. How exciting is that?! I’ll probably get to meet lovely Matt Hales and persuade him to leave his wife and child, although I imagine we’ll probably just stand in a corner and giggle to ourselves. Even the lovely Ben Hales would probably do. We’re not picky. Shame young Helena is going to miss out but then it serves her right for abandoning me for the Ladyboys of Thailand.

The man who does the voiceovers to introduce programmes on Channel 4 is really beginning to annoy me. He used to be really good and have a lovely Irish accent but now he just sounds bored and has no life in his voice and is quite sarcastic – but not even a funny sarcastic. They should swap him with the woman on E4, she’s much better.

I think I am the boredest I have been since the JPMorgan days if you were with me through those days… they were bad. Today is just dull and I think the boys must be fairly busy cos they’ve not been very entertaining this afternoon. Adam and Steve were playing Celebdaq earlier but that really bores me and I think it’s a load of rubbish… especially as it’s not a million miles away from what I do at work. It’s like a busman’s computer game. It’s 15.17 and its getting quite painful. Especially knowing its going to be a rush to get to the interview and if I run for the DLR with Pete I will probably have to excuse myself and sit down on my own and read through all the notes I’ve made. At least I won’t have too much of an opportunity to worry about it once I’m out of here, just have to make sure I get that early DLR and then jump in a cab – which I usually refuse to do in London cos they are so expensive but I consider it an investment in this case.

With my onset of old age I seem to be having a hot flush. Although I may be slightly too young for that. And I am drinking a large cup of tea as I do at the same time every morning when I experience these hot flushes. I’ve just had a sip of cold water and I am feeling much more normal now.

My boredom has made me skip ahead in the calendar and I have found out that my birthday is on a Friday next year. I can barely contain my excitement. I bumped into Darren in the deli when I was getting my tea and remembered to wish him a happy birthday for today and he remembered to wish me a happy birthday for tomorrow. When we had a mutual best friend (who has fallen out with both of us over the past few years) it used to cause all sorts of problems but happily she doesn’t need to worry about either of us anymore.

After minor panic last night and this morning Dara is confirmed for tomorrow night. I called his mobile last night to confirm and got Dara’s answerphone saying he is in Japan and won’t be picking up messages but will respond to any emails on 22 January. The day after the gig. So I called the lovely people at his management and they said he was coming back especially!! Hooray – I knew Helena wouldn’t have done that to me! I suppose it is all good practise for when The Comedy Lounge opens up after our lottery windfall. I am going to call the open spots as well today just to make sure they all turn up and know where they’re going. The lovely Janice Phayre is doing a spot but I texted her yesterday and thunderbirds seemed to be go for her. I am such a panic monkey sometimes.

I have an interview this evening at Bank of America for that job I mentioned yesterday where they want someone to start as soon as possible. I’ve just got the job spec through and it is the same one that Michelle sent my CV for the other week… so they’ve obviously not found anyone and are getting desperate. Money wise and duration wise it would be too perfect. It is covering maternity leave for 6 months, which would take me perfectly to the festival so keep your fingers crossed for me. I have done most of the stuff on the form and might be able to blag the rest so we’ll have to wait and see. In fact, Michelle has just sent me some pointers about what Bank of America look for and how to dazzle them with my wit, charm and winning smile.

A productive, but ultimately dull and exhausting weekend. On Saturdat morning I drove round to the dry cleaners and dumped a load of stuff with them that has been sitting at the bottom of my laundry basket for quite some time. Then I took my car back home and wandered up the high street to collect my signed copy of Dave Gorman’s book from Smiths, and to get some envelopes and stamps from the Post Office for Stewart Lee’s great envelope collecting game. I popped into Woolies and ended up buying some lever arch files to put all my credit card, bills and bank stuff in. Once I’d got home and sorted through all my bits of paper I had a miracle bout of motivation just after Rock Busters on XFM and proceeded to sort through my entire room, literally throwing stuff out from the tops of my wardrobes that hadn’t seen the light of day for literally over 10 years. Over the whole weekend I must have thrown out about 4 bin bags of rubbish, and about 5 bin bags of stuff for the loft to take to a boot fair if ever Caireen successfully manages to talk me into doing one with her. And to top things off, yesterday evening I managed to connect the minidisc player to the digital radio and successfully recorded from BBC7 so I am well chuffed with myself. Especially as I did it without looking at any of the instructions in either of the booklets. Now all we need is for BBC7 to play out the MWE radio shows so I can catch them all on minidisc. Well done me. I’ve given myself a pat on the back.

Everything is set for Wednesday. I’ve spent the whole morning formatting Helena’s mailing list addresses for UCL and sending out emails from my work address. I gather she hadn’t had time to delete the old email addresses so I spent an hour or so going through the delivery failure emails and deleting the naughty email addresses from the list. So hopefully the next time I send out an email none of them will be returned. I’ve drawn up the guestlist, which is slightly longer than I had anticipated, and I am just writing up some information to hand to the acts about invoicing etc. I’ve also joined Mirth Control as a booker so I can set about lining up some open spots for the next few gigs. I’m raring to go for Wednesday, I daresay I’m tempting fate when I say I think it’s going to be one of the best birthdays I have had in a very long time. Comedy, friends, alcohol, and I might even spoil myself with a nice safe cab home if I stay out late. Rather than having to get two nightbuses again. Even though of course it would be a massive birthday treat to get the N119 again.

Michael Page have put me forward for three temp jobs so far today and two of them are at the Bank of America in Bromley, so my dream may still come true. One of them is for £2 an hour more than I am on now and sounds ideal, as far as a banking job can be ideal, but its immediate start so I’d have to stitch up Northern Trust and leave a few weeks before they want me to. Although I’m not even going to bother worrying about it cos I daresay nothing will come of it and I’ll still be looking for something by the time I leave here. Again I find myself wondering where the hell I’ll end up next. Or more to the point, which bank I will be working for next. But I have my happy face on today, despite the fact that I stupidly arranged to go to another agency tonight to register and have a nice chat with one of their presumably quite patronising consultants where I have to pretend to love banking and also think of some reasons why I prefer temping to permanent work without mentioning the Edinburgh festival. I should be done by about 6.15pm hopefully and it’s on the strand so depending on timings I should at least get home in time for Coronation Street…

Win me a rabbit...

Please please will everyone enter this competition on Beck’s website for me. It is to win a rabbit called Rocket who stars in his new DVD. Pleeeeease.

Competition Page

I went into Canary Wharf tube station today to charge my Oyster card with my travelcard for next week and got the man there to check it had charged correctly. He had a hand-held gadget, which scanned my card and showed him the zones on my card along with the expiry date as well as the past two travelcards I have previously had on it. He also went to the self-service machine, scanned my card and looked at its history. Or rather my history – and I nearly fell over. It had listed every single journey I have made with my card including the N119 usage… Oyster cards are a great idea but I daresay it does have something to do with the government wanting to keep tabs on everyone. Which despite infringing on our human rights is possibly quite handy in case someone goes missing or something like that. It was a bit of a shock though.

“It’s Friday, I’m in love”. Hooray… Bring on the weekend. Had a nice chat with Shazzle last night which started off with us saying how we’ve been wavering between thinking of going to Edinburgh for the whole month, for the last two weeks or not at all, although I must admit I don’t think not going at all was really a serious option. We talked about the festival just gone and why it didn’t live up to expectations and other than the programming of the festival and the comedians actually taking up shows, most of the reasons were within our control. And we did control them to some extent cos we made sure we sorted things out by about half way through but I think by then the damage had been done. But anyway, we’ve decided that neither of us are going to work – Sharon’s not going to review for any papers and I’m not going to offer my services to anyone. That way the pressure’s off both of us and we can spend more time together, be more relaxed and try and get back to how the festival was back in 1999 and 2000. We miss laughing til we cry, can’t breathe and keep laughing a good ten minutes after the show has finishd – it’s what we like to call “the cherry people effect”.

We’re going to make a concerted effort to win the lottery over the next few months. To be fair, we’ve not really been trying, but this time we’re actually going to buy a ticket. It’s the only way Comedy Lounge Productions and Comedy Lounge Management, and indeed Comedy Lounge Motion Pictures, is ever going to be set up. Or BBC Fist for that matter. And it’s the only way we’ll be able to quit our jobs once and for all or at least get less paid/volunteer jobs which are far more enjoyable. Wouldn’t it be nice. Just imagine, for some people this dream comes true. Imagine being able to buy a house outright and not have to worry about a mortgage… you’ve got to be in it to win it so I’ll get a ticket at lunch time… and maybe even a scratchcard although I can see myself getting addicted to those and spending all the money I actually do have. Which is roughly -£815.89 at this present moment.

We are also looking into the possibility of the annual Comedy Lounge holiday at the end of March/beginning of April where we are hoping to spend a week in London doing Lounge stuff – potentially the Paul Putner special – and then we go to Warwick for my dad’s birthday weekend which is also closer to Ireland for Sharon to get home from. All this after I pop over to Dublin for a long weekend mid-March to accompany Sharon to see Aqualung at Whelans. So by the time that comes round, we won’t have seen each other for over 6 months. Go team.

I popped into Safeways when I got home last night and when I was queuing to pay I spotted an old lady at the till next to me who was buying two lamb’s hearts. They looked disgusting, as you can imagine, but I wondered what the hell she was going to do with them. Do you feed things like that to dogs or something? Surely they can’t taste very nice. I am going to look for a recipe to see what she might have had in mind for dinner. According to my research, she could have been making faggots, roast stuffed lambs heart or haggis. The results of my search have actually made me feel a bit queasy.

I am considering flying to Dublin just cos its so much quicker but I just can’t bring myself to. It’s the taking off and landing parts which are horrible and make me a little hysterical. Mainly the take-off cos it goes from stationary to about a million miles an hour in about 20 seconds which is frankly terrifying. The problem is definitely that I haven’t done it often enough before. I am going to look into hypnotherapy at lunch time and see what the deal is and how much it’ll cost. Just the thought of sitting on a train for about 5 hours just to get to Holyhead and then about 2 hours on a ferry makes me feel tired and it’s a bit of a waste of a day but then I’d rather not spend the days leading up to the trip being terrified and unable to sleep. I think I might get the train this first time and then we’ll see.

I had another bout of mid-late twenties crisis last night for reasons I won’t go into. So I tidied up my room and threw some stuff out to make a bit more room. It made me feel slightly better and I’ve decided to throw more stuff out this weekend. My room, and therefore my life, is far too cluttered. Ideally I need my own place but that’s not financially viable just at the moment so I’ll have to settle for throwing stuff out and seeing if that does me any good. I am going to make an appointment with a careers advisor for some time soon and see if they can shed some light on my working life. I’m not sure I’m really cut out to be a teacher, which is a shame cos then I’d get massive holidays including the whole of August and I wouldn’t need to quit every summer but then I couldn’t follow David Gray around Europe on a whim. It’s my birthday in under a week and I’m trying not too look forward to it cos as we all know I am over-optimistic and look forward to things too much only to be disappointed in the long run. At least as it’s the same night as the Ministry of Comedy I know it’ll be a great night whatever. H said I could have as many friends as I liked and I have actually surprised myself at how many people have said they are coming. There will be friends I haven’t seen in months and months – all mostly from different areas of my life. I’ve never really had one big gang of friends, I’ve always collected the odd friend wherever I’ve gone… a few in comedy, a few from each place of work, some from uni, a few from school and some who I’ve just met through other friends and hit it off with. I’ve got the afternoon of my birthday off work so I’ll come in with some cakes for my team and then sod off before lunch to go home and have an early dinner with my parents and make myself look beautiful before coming back into town and setting up the club. Oh and I’ll be opening my presents of course. Even though I know what I’m getting. Speaking of which, the puppy that Sharon said she sent me for Xmas still hasn’t arrived. January is going very quickly, we’re already half way through.

Dave Gorman is coming to Bromley the day after my birthday, which I have off work. He’s doing a little talk at Bromley Central Library at 7pm but I just know that I’ll probably be hung over and will want to just lay on my bed and try to piece together memories of the previous night. The tickets are only £4 so maybe I’ll just buy one anyway on the offchance. I’ve already bought his book and seen the show so I won’t be missing out on too much by not going. Its just very rare that we actually have anyone decent come to visit us in Bromley. Maybe I’ll drag my mum or dad along. Maybe I’ll just stay at home and convalesce.

Trying to stay positive about the whole banking thing for the time being. Making some appointments to meet more evil recruitment consultants over the next few weeks and will try to keep in mind that although they give you a rough job description before they send your CV off for anything, they are usually way off the mark. These last two jobs were ok and I was told they were settlements roles. My two-day job at Citicorp was actually settlements, which is why I only lasted two days. That and the fact that the hours were 8.30am – 6.30pm which I should never really have agreed to in the first place. And it’s good practice to go to interviews and see how much crap I can spout about the cutting edge of banking, blah blah blah. So it’s positive thinking from now on.

Colin from the BBC left a very nice comment on the Comedy Lounge guest book yesterday. Go and check it out. We rarely get that much praise, especially recently since we have done arse all for year or so, so it was very nice. Especially coming from someone like Colin who may well be the new Danny Wallace… he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to comedy. Just you wait til I get my dictaphone… I’ve already got something in the pipeline for the next few weeks. Transcribing it is going to be a bundle of laughs, I don’t think. I’m following Colin’s lead and reading through some of our old interviews which is bringing back some brilliant memories. Like the time we interviewed Adam & Joe just having seen the League of Gentlement in the foyer of PBJ. We had to try with all our might not to pass out in front of them. It was so bizarre sitting with them in the flesh and having their undivided attention and I think we did very well to actually speak and ask some decent questions. When they took us upstairs to find somewhere to sit we bumped into the LoG and they stopped for a chat while we just stood there trying not to grin too inanely. Those were the days. Then we went for a pizza, planned our joint weddings to A&J and went on to Virgin radio to sit in on Jon Holmes’ radio show. What heady showbiz days they were.
Then there was the time we interviewed Electric Eel for the second time, just before the Estate Agents finally made it onto the telly. We had recently interviewed Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant who just happened to be sitting across from the table we were sitting at with the Eels. They told us to go over and say hello but we said there would be no way they’d remember us and even so it would be rude to go over especially as we don’t know what they thought of our interview. As it turned out, Ricky came over to our table to say hello and that he really liked the article on the website, which still amazes me to this day and completely gobsmacked the Eels. Then a while later we found a great quote from Ricky and Steve on the Channel 4 website…

Stephen : The Comedy Lounge is a great site with a proper journalistic approach, well-presented and very flattering about everything we do.
Ricky : I agree.

…which made our year.

Three days down, two to go. Feeling a bit cheerier now. I think I should be glad that I am temping and get to go to lots of different places rather than sitting at the same desk year after year. As much as I like it here, it’s a pretty depressing thought to imagine I’d have to do the same job for over a year before moving on to a different area and doing something slightly different. At least this way some companies aren’t too picky about relevant experience and will give you a go if you have worked in a vaguely similar area. It’s good for expanding my knowledge of banking and I guess it increases the types of roles I can do every time I do something different. It’s still painfully boring though. Hopefully I’ll find something to start immediately after I finish here otherwise I might get too accustomed to watching Fern and Phillip again and deliberately sabotage or not agree to interviews, which is kind of what I got up to last October. And the one before that come to think of it. I am bored. Looking forward to going home and putting in place one or two measures to restore the Lounge to its current glory.

*Ananova*

This man has got to be joking. Why would euthanasia be allowed for whole life prisoners but not for terminally sick people who are in unbearable pain who have done nothing wrong? The Harold Shipman/Ian Huntley cases have made me think a lot about their punishments. They reckon it’s going to cost several millions for Huntley’s imprisonment and some people think he should be killed. On one hand I think he should spend the rest of his life in jail paying for the horrendous crimes he has committed but on the other I don’t see why the public should pay so much money to keep him in there. But if he was killed, like in the case of Harold Shipman, the families would never find out the reasons behind his crime. Not that they would probably ever find out anything more cos as far as these men are concerned they’ve done nothing wrong, but at least when they are alive there is always that chance. Ultimately I think maybe the families of the victims should have a say in the matter. It’s a very tricky situation. And as for allowing them to commit suicide, that’s just ridiculous.

On a lighter note, I spoke to my uncle last night about his wedding and my mum was obviously trying to wind me up when she told me he was thinking of getting married on Perrier night. He’s taking to the registrar today to book for the last weekend in October, which is nowhere near Perrier night. As is tradition I should just about have got myself a new temping job by then having presumably quit whatever job I am going to do next, in order to go to Edinburgh. What a predictable cycle my life is. I met up with H last night to say goodbye and to get her digital radio so I could look after it for her when she’s away and listen to BBC7 without having to put it on the telly. She told me what she had left to do and what she’s booked and also plans for when she returns and the future and then asked me how I was. It was then that I realised I was quite sad. Soon to be “in between jobs”, not much money, no plans to see Sharon, soon to be one important friend down and on the verge of turning 27. Not that I am bad off at all, I just felt like I’d not achieved much over the past year or so. I am going to get the Lounge back on track before the end of February and I might get on the case and try and do another charity comedy gig. And I need to buckle down and chose a course to do so I can expand my mind… I am toying with radio production, media studies, earth sciences and veterinary nursing… God, I don’t know – anything would do. I have to do something and I have to get things in motion before Helena gets back. That’s going to be my deadline. If only I could make myself like working in a bank and get a job that pays well and lets me have 4 weeks of in August. Or maybe I could have a word with the lovely man that runs the Festival and ask him to switch it to an off-peak time of year. I think the latter is more likely.

Crash back down to earth. My friend found out this morning that the job in Bromley has already been filled but chose not to tell me until I prompted her just now. Bugger. Typical – I have to stop being over-optimistic about everything. Not that I am totally devastated. Just means I’ll end up doing another crappy job in the city or Docklands. Oh hell, I really need to sort my career out. They are keeping my CV on the offchance. Damn and buggeration.

Our fantastic Mayor, Red Ken, has devised a brilliant website www.GetIntoLondonTheatre.co.uk that is offering cheap theatre and musical tickets. Jerry Springer tickets are only £25 instead of £50 so make sure you go along if you can. I am going to see whether I can drag some of my lot along, it really is quite brilliant, as I am sure I must have pointed out at least twenty times already. I must get around to writing to him and thanking him for the gift of the N119 even though I have never seen anyone else enjoying its existence.

What a boring day already. I am doing Helen’s nonsense job for the morning and then I have swung it so the other temp does it in the afternoon. There’s more to do in the morning but I’d rather the morning went quickly until about 1pm then the afternoon will go quicker and I can do my own stuff and surf the net. I have applied for a temp job in Bromley doing something I have done before for at least the same or more money than I am on here but obviously I will only need a bus pass or I could drive so it’d work out better. And I could probably stay in bed that little bit longer. That’s all by the by cos I probably won’t even get it. I saw the job on a recruitment agency site and as it was for South East London I guessed it would be Bank of America, given that that’s the only bank in SE London and this particular agency put me forward for something there a while ago. My friend Michelle works there and apparently knows the woman at BoA in HR so she’s sent my CV in and put in a good word for me. She heard back that it looks good and that the position is still open so fingers crossed. Its apparently for six months which would be perfect cos that would take me right up to the start of the festival…I’ve got my hopes up now which is, as we all know, a bad idea.

Helena’s leaving do the other night was great fun. We were the first ones there despite being late ourselves and as we got to the venue we bumped into Simon Evans and Dara O’Briain so that put H’s mind at rest as to people turning up. The rest of the night is somewhat sketchy. I remember Eddie Brimson turning up which prompted me to remember that I had been carrying my photos from the Paramount Uni tour around without showing everyone. I will put some up soon… mainly of Eddie, Andre, Zoe, Rachers, H and I doing tequila slammers with a twist. There is also one where Vinny has clearly taken a photo without my knowledge – wearing nothing but a hard hat and a workman’s belt.

H introduced me to Richard Herring, forgetting that I have been a L&H fan for most of my life… which was somewhat embarassing. I remember telling Adrian Poynton that he looked like a teenage boy in his long sleeves/short sleeves t-shirt combo (this was intended as a compliment). I remember trying to make Rachers tell Ben Moore how lovely his plays are. I remember stupidly missing the last train home due to a fatal wine overdose and lack of common sense. I remember inviting everyone to my birthday at UCL and warning Alex that I may be slightly drunk and miss all my cues. I remember going for a chinese with Fay, Rob and Danny and playing “sh*g, marry, kill” and I remember getting the N3, waking up in Bromley North and then waiting 20 mins in the freezing and rain for the N119 to turn up and take me home. I also remember waking up and wondering how the hell I was going to share the driving to Newcastle with my dad.

I called in to work the next morning to say I wouldn’t be in and should have booked the morning off as well as the afternoon, then I tried to sleep with little success. At about 2pm I gave up and tried to eat and then got my stuff together. My dad drove round the M25 and a few junctions up the A1 and then we swapped and I drove til just past Matlock, then him until just before Scotch Corner and then I drove to my Uncle’s – five and a half hours. My mum moaned for most of the journey but did say that I am a brilliant driver – much better than my dad – which went down like a tonne of bricks. I didn’t cheer her up at the bottom of the A1 by pointing out that we were currently at Junction 5 and we wouldn’t be coming off until at least Junction 65.

My Uncle proposed to his girlfriend on the saturday and she said yes… I gather they are thinking of marrying on Perrier night this year. Typical. Just as my brother moves his to the year after but a week before Perrier night, my Uncle decides to make sure I can’t go the Perrier party. Oh well, he may yet change his mind.

After the funeral on the Friday and the following gathering at the village hall, we all went back to my Uncle’s and sat around drinking tea (or as my uncle makes it, milk with a hint of tea). He told me to follow him upstairs and as I did I kind of had an idea why. He got my grandma’s jewellery box out of a drawer and put four rings on his hand. He said grandma wanted me to have one and to pick which one I wanted. I immediately went for the smallest one which is absolutely beautiful. It has a gold band and silver/platinum front with three small diamonds in a line. It’s currently in the jewellers being cleaned and valued so I can make sure it’s insured and can wear it without panicking too much. I’ve never been left anything before. My brother got my grand-dad’s ring when he died so I was very pleased and I’m going to wear it on my engagement finger. I am well aware that it’s supposed the be bad luck with regard to actually becoming engaged to someone but I figure that I’ve not done so well so far so I can’t get any more unlucky. Not that I even care about getting married and it looks nice next to my chunky silver ring. I can just blame my enternal spinsterdom on it.

We went out for a meal and then back to the pub that was next door to where my parents were staying and then we got a bottle of wine and went back to my parents’ hotel room. Sharon called me on my mobile so I went into my brother’s room and we talked for about an hour which I daresay will cost her a fortune – by the time I went back Beryl was out of her tree counting the minutes to her birthday and my uncle looked amused but slightly embarrassed. I drove back in my Uncle’s Renault Scenic, which was nice and then went straight to bed.

We popped into the Metro centre once over the weekend and managed to spend hardly any money which was very well done. Oh, except I bought three DVDs - 24 Hour Party People, Coogan’s Run and The Best of Father Ted (both of which I have on video but want the extras you see). I don’t think my dad drove his car at all while we were in Newcastle cos I took every opportunity to drive the lovely Toyota. What a sad car geek I am.